Everyone Is Dating
Everyone Is Dating
Everyone is Dating
Do you ever feel like everyone is dating but you? Like many people, I am old enough to remember when the idea of using a dating agency to find a partner was such a taboo. The brother of friend of mine from school found his wife that way (this was back in the early 80s) and it was a big secret how they had met. I remember thinking it was rather ‘cool’ of him, because he certainly got what he wanted – i.e. a wife! How times have changed. When I set friends1st up 18 years ago there was still a little bit of a stigma about dating agencies. Now there certainly isn’t – in fact it is so much part of normal life that you can hardly open a newspaper or listen to a radio station without there being something on dating being written or talked about.
So I was interested to hear the ‘You and Yours’ programme on Radio 4 recently devoting a full forty minutes to discussing the Rules of Modern Dating – prompted by the fact the fact that Debretts, the etiquette specialists, have brought out a new guide on dating behaviour. Now although the programme focused primarily on online dating the content was relevant to all, and if you missed the programme, worry not as I’ll give you the gist of it here.
Common problems that many listeners and callers to the programme stated were things like: lacking confidence on how to make contact, deciding who pays the bill on a first date, deciding what to wear, and what to do if you don’t like what your date turns up in, how to take a proper selfie (our advice is simple – DON’T!), working out if someone is using genuine pictures of themselves (often not online it transpires) and working out whether it’s ok to be seeing more than one person at a time.
One caller Charlotte had been seeing a man on many occasions, and he’d treated her right royally in one way – champagne, flowers, chocolates etc, but she had struggled to get his direct contact details. Well that’s OK to start with, but not after many dates and that sort of attention surely? Did alarm bells ring? Well only after she’d lost her heart to him and then realised that the chances were he was seeing a number of people at the same time, and she’d actually been incredibly naïve.
Thankfully she hadn’t given this man any money…. but plenty of people do fall into that trap. Long exchanges of emails, text and phone calls. Believable stories with the clever use of technology so that a fraudster can convince you (even with skype calls) that they are someone else, leading to requests for money that then seem genuine, only all to be found out to be completely fake and fraudulent. It always amazes me that so many people fall into giving others online money. The message here is that however genuine someone appears, if you’ve ‘met’ them online, just don’t ever continuance giving them money.
Another man correctly stated how much work one has to put in to get dating right. He compared it to getting a job – working very hard to get your CV right, dressing right for the interview, being honest and being selective for the right job for your skills and character. Essentially you’ve got to put a lot of effort it – and it’s the same whatever site, app or organisation you use.
I learnt some new ‘dating’ phrases through this programme: Ghosting, bread-crumbing benching and stashing. All rather unpleasant ways that people online treat each other – and again one of the reasons why an organisation like friends1st makes such a difference – not least because we know all our members and regulate their behaviour.
Another caller rightly pin pointed how superficial dating can make you. For instance the way people are really selective before meeting up (like judging a profile!), and casting aside potential matches for reasons that would be irrelevant if you had met at a party in person first.
The key thing with all dating is to treat others like you’d like to be treated yourself. So this means being courteous, respond to everyone who contacts you, be open with what you are doing – so if you are making first contact with lots of people, be open about that. But once you decide you rather like someone, don’t keep searching on and on, but become exclusive and focus on this person – until you have your answer about whether they are the one for you or not.
One of the key problems with dating is the feeling that there is always someone better out there. But it’s just not true. Everyone is different, but we’re all human, all flawed and there is no ‘perfect’ person out there.
There is no doubt that dating is hard and hard work. It’s another reason that we provide members with telephone support. Because we know the going gets tough, we know it is easier to give up than to keep going. But with 18 years of experience, and many many marriages under our belt, we also know that the hard graft is worthwhile and the pot of gold that potentially awaits you at the end of your journey is well worth holding out for. Sadly many people using online sites or apps will give us when they get their fingers burnt or they burn out, but that doesn’t have to be the case for you. If you are in any way feeling that way, give us a ring – we are here to support, encourage and help you on your way.