Nerves nerves and more nerves

[Johnathan]

May I use this as a slight confessional? Well I have recently been in touch with a lady that I was put in touch with through a friend. We've had several conversations and she sounds really lovely on the phone. She asked me if we could meet and I was keen to do so, and said Yes. We arranged to meet in a local pub. However on the day before our meeting, I was so incredibly nervous that I had to ring her to say I couldn't make it - saying that something else had come up. I really wanted to go and meet her but I was just too scared of doing so. I'm not really sure what to do now as I'm sure the same will happen again if we rearrange our meeting. Has anyone got any suggestions of how to deal with these sort of nerves.

[Sarah]

I suggest you discuss your nerves with the lady you want to meet. Once you've discussed it with her you'll probably find the problem isn't so bad, and secondly you'll then probably find it harder to back out at the last minute. Alternatively why don't you suggest to her that you meet with a couple of friends. Then you could take a friend along (he/she could help you make sure you get there!) and then you probably wouldn't be so nervous.

[Johanna]

I wondered whether meeting in a pub might be setting yourself up for a long evening, and somehow making a time limited event might help. A coffee, or a lunch time meeting might be expected to be shorter. Or establishing in advance that you have to leave by a certain time.

Of course that may not be why you are nervous at all. Maybe if you knew exactly why you were nervous it would be easier to tackle.

Anyway, I hope you do get to meet her at some point. Good luck.

[Charlie123]

One of the things that potential 'daters' often do is to keep everything to themselves - I certainly used to. I've just got married (in July) and so am one of these (perhaps very annoying folk) who thinks he ought to hand on some advice. Well, here goes: DO talk to your friends and family about your plans, thoughts etc. Don't be embarrassed as they'll probably be thrilled you're taking an active part. Then, and only after they know can they be of help.

Do you listen to the 'Archers' on Radio 4 ? Really good storyline about widower tentatively setting out to start looking for a friend/potential soulmate. Well done and handled !

Good luck C123 :)

[Cornish Girl]

Hi Johnathan

I think I have some idea of how you are feeling. I have been on two dates in the past few months to meet new people (this is after nine years of being on my own and not dating at all) and I was very nervous indeed on both occasions.

I have now realised that I was taking it all much too seriously to begin with, and building up each occasion in my mind to be of life-changing significance when actually all I was doing was meeting someone for coffee or a drink to see if we liked each other and had anything in common. I think it helps not to look ahead too far, and to think to yourself, "All I'm doing is meeting a new person, that's all, it's not the romance of the century. All I need to do is to be polite and friendly, listen to what they are saying, look interested, ask genuine questions, be myself and try to relax. If I don't like the person I never have to see them again."

Maybe what's making you so nervous is a fear of what might be expected of you? It's good to remember that the other person is probably just as nervous as you and just as afraid that you won't like her. If you get on well on the phone the likelihood is that you will get on well face to face as well. I would call your friend again and explain to her how nervous you are, and make another arrangement to meet. :)