Who pays for the first date?

[Michael]

Here's something that really gets on my goat! I'm quite active in the singles Christian scene so I get to meet and take quite a few Christian girls/ladies out. Sometimes it's for a drink, sometimes it's a meal. Given the situation - ie it's a first date, I'd have thought (sorry if I'm not old fashioned) that we should go dutch - my thinking being that the girls are equally interested in meeting me as I am them. But 9 times out of 10 I end up paying the bill - with no suggestion or hint from the girl/lady that she might contribute. This really annoys me. Why should we guys always be the ones that pay. Sometimes I really feel Christian women are so tight and are just taking us guys for a ride!!!

[Mary]

Sorry if I'm a bit old fashioned - Although I CAN afford to pay the bill, I think the guy should pay for the 1st 'date'. Why? Simply because thats the traditional way of doing things and I prefer it that way. I don't mind splitting the bill or paying for the next date :)

[Johanna]

I am with Michael on this one. I would find it impossible not to offer to pay my way, and would probably feel more comfortable if I was allowed to. On the other hand I would think it odd if a bloke automatically expected me to pay for him on a first date.

But why the harangue against Christian women in particular? Are things different in secular circles?

[Dindles]

I was interested in the conflicting views from a male/female perspective on first date/date bills. While I agree with Michael that a first date should be split Dutch (and slide easily both ways as the relationship develops) I can sympathise with Mary's views, too.

From the man's point of view, it's easy to think it reasonable that in this day and age, when women have just as much punch in the work force as men do, and demand to be treated "equally", that they should accept equal responsibilities with regards to money issues, including dates. After all, it is now quite acceptable for a woman to make the first move when she is interested in a man and she is as often as not earning a similar or greater salary to his. If she suggests an outing she should be prepared to pay for it. If a man suggests the outing then he should pay up. Logical, statistical, unemotional common sense. Typical male thinking.

From a woman's point of view, however, and rooted deeply in the female subconscience, a man who is not eager to pay for a date is displaying signs that suggest he will not make a good mate: a lack of interest, no instinct to "protect and nurture", all spells an insecure future and even hints at future infidelity. Yep, guys, it's true.

Although you can argue that a first date hardly constitutes a marriage proposal, don't forget that we are not entirely reasonable creatures and that we still operate on very basic instincts, and the rules for girl-meets-boy (and vice-versa) are still driven by a subconscious search for the best mate. For a man, that almost inevitably means good looks and youth (or slight variations on that theme!). For a woman it tends to be a bit more complicated. It means a stable, caring, generous, protective, "bigger-that-her" figure, NO MATTER HOW SUCCESSFUL she is in the work place or how independent she likes to be seen as. She wants security in her mate.

I think both women and men have to make an effort to understand the differences between the sexes and be more open with each other regarding their expectations. Women weren't designed to carry men, they were made to support them emotionally and intellectually. Men were meant to be the providers and that hasn't changed, even in today's uni-sex world. If men want a feminine, supportive, forgiving wife they have to be the caring, generous, stable, responsible provider. If women want a masculine, faithful, nurturing husband they need to allow men to be men and stop trying to take on the masculine atributes themselves in order to redress the imbalance caused by a very upside-down world. It works both ways.

Having said that, as a woman, I would like to suggest to any male who cares to listen, that you will fare MUCH better with the ladies if you pay the price and take on a more traditional Biblical role (which does not include bullying, overpowering, abusing or looking down on a woman!) Women want the man God intended you to be. What kind of woman do you want?

Dindles :D

[JUNE]

May I just add a couple of thoughts to this debate? Would you believe that on a couple of occasions when I've met a male through a Christian singles organisation, that on one occasion we looked at the menu displayed outside a restaurant and the male said "It was a bit dear" and we ended up in Maccy D's! On another occasion, a tight-fisted male who only lived at home with his parents, so wasn't paying a mortgage, and had a reasonably well paid job, made me pay for my own Maccy D! May be it's just me! I just took it on the chin but was inwardly fuming!

[Dindles]

I have to say that I woud have felt the same way. As I said, a woman wants a guy to "prove" his mettle in those small but oh-so-telling ways, which include taking charge of provision and especially of making a statement by his actions that his female companion is of value. There's NOTHING more off-puting than a stingy man. Apart from anything else, it's bad manners and totally insensitive (I mean, would you take your aging Gran to a birthday dinner and chomp discontentedly on the menu prices before carting her off to some greasy burger joint?) NOT a good start to a date. And first impressions are the ones that stick.

GUYS: It's not about grasping women who take advantage of men (although that does happen). It's just that one of the ways in which a woman feels her worth is being appreciated is by having a man treat her as if she is valuable. Just for comparison, how would you feel, guys, if you invited a woman out on a date and she made absolutely NO effort at all to look nice, didn't brush her hair or change her sweaty t-shirt? You'd feel maybe hurt, maybe offended, maybe as if she had set your value too low...? Men appreciate a well turned out woman (makes them feel good about themselves) and women appreciate a man who is prepared to GIVE (in more ways than one). It sets the tone for things to come.

[Myriad]

. . . . made me pay for my own Maccy D!

Mucky D's? on a date? Good grief! I sympathise!:p

I think going dutch is the way to go. I really don't like it when the man insists on paying (and they do), it makes me wonder what else they are going to insist on doing. I even had one guy lurch at me to kiss me as he handed over the cash to the waitress. Once paid, he thought he was on a promise. Uuurgh!

[Rob]

I guess there is no rule on this. Different people can interpret offering or not offering to pay for their 1st date in different ways. Some women may feel the man is being too pushy by offering to pay for her as well as himself. On the other hand, some women may think it's bad manners if he doesn't offer!? :confused:
Why worry about whether the man offers to pay for the woman or not? Isn't more important that the man listens to the woman and takes an interest in her? Why not concentrate on getting to know each other and enjoying yourselves?:)

[jayjay]

Michael the man always pays for the first date and the second if there is one.:confused: later on the women also pays for things none of this going dutch rubbish.:D

[Roy]

Hi folks
I hope this thread is still active as I think I need some advice,
I have been approached by a very nice widow from my Church
on our first date I insisted I paid as I asked her out, (call me old
fashioned If you like), we met again with a church group where
she paid for herself ( she reached the checkout before me, on
another occassion when I went to pay for our meals she ran up
gave me her share very forcibly and ran of to the loo's this again
was with a Church group.
On our last date,( I again asked her out) she again insisted she paid
Giving me a Ten pound Note, I offerd her the change (Her meal
£5) but she refused saying that I had not include her drinks.
May I now say that I like the lady and would like to get to know
her better, but I am begining to feel she may only want me as
someone to go out for a meal if I suggest it.
yuo may wonder why I need advise but since my Wife passed
away last July I find myself in a difficult world when trying to
form hopefully long lasting relationships