Christianity and singleness

[Peter]

Hi there. The thing I'm really interested in is why there is such a culture of singleness in our churches today. One only has to look around the internet to see that there are hundreds, no thousands of single people - and by and large, it would appear that most of them (us - myself included) don't want to be single deep down. I don't hear much preaching on the issue of singleness - rather so many churches seem to only promote family orientated services - that quite frankly I find off putting and only go to emphasize my singleness even more. OK I know St. Paul talked a bit about the call to singleness - but this wasn't the norm surely? So why is it such a problem today. I'm interested not just because it's a personal issue to me, but because I like to think more broadly about the church and it seems like this is a real issue for the church today - which no-one seems to be addressing in any serious way.

[SunniGirl]

I agree with you Peter. Singleness is not addressed very often in today's churches.

I got so fed up with it at one church i was at that I started a singles disucsion group. We just used to discuss various issues around singleness and being a Christian and prayed for each other. It seemed to be quite helpful to most - and two of them are now engaged to each other!

But I have not heard it preached about honestly from the pulpit, if ever, unless people allude to it generally by talking about people either having the gift of marriage of the gift of singleness. I am not convinced it is a gift anyway. I think Paul was talking about the gift of celibacy in 1 Corinthians 7 which I see as somewhat different to the gift of singlenes. One would hope those who have the gift of celibacy are not married but it does not follow that all those who are single have the gift of celibacy. If you don't have that gift being single can be very hard.

[nuttyloaf]

I agree that Churches focus on family life.
This can make some feel isolated. How far did the Church meet the needs of those bereaved during the Second World War? I believe that many turned away from the Church at that time because as a whole it could not meet the losses of so many families, individual hurts and the financial problems bereavement brought.

Family - focused churches can overlook those with marital/ relationship problems. What message does the Church send out to those in unhappy marriages or whose families have separated and lost all hope of a future together.

When I have asked a minister about these issues, the reply has been that talking from the pulpit about grandchildren is a way of reaching many. However, as I look around the congregation I see many who have effectively been bereaved of grandchildren following marital breakdown or simply the busyness of life, physical miles between them and loss of Christian values.

I think that upholding an ideal has its place, however, this should be balanced with supporting those who are not fortunate in being part of a Christian family and including them in the teaching of the love of God for each of us.

[Johanna]

As a preacher I really struggle with Mother's day. So many people have issues with their parents, or are bereaved, or long for children and can't have them, or are estranged by argument or geography. For some years we tried to do an all inclusive, taking everyone's views and feelings into consideration, version. But to be honest it was pretty depressing. :(

Now I don't mention it at all, which feels much better to me, but I am regularly reminded what a wonderful outreach opportunity I am missing.:o

To be honest I guess whatever a persons home/family life is like, it will be painfully obvious at those points where it doesn't match the expectations of their church community. Perhaps the best we can do is try to be honest about the failures and struggles of relationships in general.

[Ivesons]

I find church quite accepting of my singlehood. :)

It has been the Christian branch of the family which has been the problem - always boasting about what it has and never acknowledging my substantial input. :mad: Fortunately there has recently been a change of heart on the part of the worst perpetrators and consequently I am losing my perpetual anger:)

[pauline]

I don't think the Church has really worked out what to do with all us 'singles'. I am divorced and although that is no longer a stigma (thankfully) there are a growing number of us Christians wo live alone. My church tends to think that if they lump all the singles together socially that it's 'sorted'.
What I would like is to be included in family life, because that's what I miss. But I know that having been caught up in the busyness of family life myself for many years I was probably guilty of the very behaviour I am now critical of!
I don't think we talk about the issues of singleness enough, but what I would really like to see is some practical inclusiveness. Where I live there are supposed to be 49% of the population that live alone, but that isn't reflected in church life.

[Audrey at Canterbury]

Hi Peter this is my first attempt at a reply please let me know if you receive it and I will reply? The thing I'm really interested in is why there is such a culture of singleness in our churches today. One only has to look around the internet to see that there are hundreds, no thousands of single people - and by and large, it would appear that most of them (us - myself included) don't want to be single deep down. I don't hear much preaching on the issue of singleness - rather so many churches seem to only promote family orientated services - that quite frankly I find off putting and only go to emphasize my singleness even more. OK I know St. Paul talked a bit about the call to singleness - but this wasn't the norm surely? So why is it such a problem today. I'm interested not just because it's a personal issue to me, but because I like to think more broadly about the church and it seems like this is a real issue for the church today - which no-one seems to be addressing in any serious way.[/QUOTE]

[Cornish Girl]

The official line in my church is that singleness is not an issue. I went to talk to our minister some years ago about starting up a support group for single parents and was told that they had asked the relevant members of the congregation some time ago if they wanted a group just for them and that the common response had been, "we don't want to be treated differently to everyone else". Which is fine as far as it goes, but it leaves the specific problems experienced by single Christians unacknowledged and unaddressed. :confused:

The way I have dealt with this after nine years on my own is to get involved in various ministries and church activities so that I now feel included at least some of the time and as if I am making a contribution that is valued. I still have times of great loneliness but I tend to deal with it outside of church because people really don't want to hear it - or their perennial answer is to organise more "social events", which really don't help if you're an introvert as well as being single.

I've come to the conclusion that it's really important to have a full life outside of church commitments and church activities, and to go out and have fun with friends on a regular basis - that tends to put it all into perspective for me. :)

[maggie redpath]

Hi. As a committed single christian I have not found that being single is a problem with my faith. To have a group of christian and non christian friends are my life line. Being happy with yourself counts for a lot!

[serena11]

I don't think the Church has really worked out what to do with all us 'singles'. I am divorced and although that is no longer a stigma (thankfully) there are a growing number of us Christians wo live alone. My church tends to think that if they lump all the singles together socially that it's 'sorted'.
What I would like is to be included in family life, because that's what I miss. But I know that having been caught up in the busyness of family life myself for many years I was probably guilty of the very behaviour I am now critical of!
I don't think we talk about the issues of singleness enough, but what I would really like to see is some practical inclusiveness. Where I live there are supposed to be 49% of the population that live alone, but that isn't reflected in church life.

I've been with my present church for about 2 years now but thinking about leaving, as there is no real provision for people who are separated and divorced. I go to church on Sunday, and don't see anyone else again until the following Sunday as I am not always able to attend the House group because do not always have the money to pay out for a baby sitter.

The members of the church haven't got a clue about reaching out to anyone outside of their own social circles which is really sad.

[Cornish Girl]

serena I would really urge you to stay a bit longer with your present church and not to give up at this stage. I remember feeling the way you do about two years after I joined my present church, but I kept going because there wasn't any viable alternative in my local area, and I am so glad that I did.

I've now been going there for over seven years and I do feel as if I belong and have made friends, but it does take this long, and it is definitely worth persevering even when you feel as if the situation is hopeless.

What has helped me has been getting involved in some areas of church life such as worship and prayer ministry, which has brought me into closer contact with small groups of people and slowly over time I have come to know people better and they have got to know me. It's not easy but it is worth it in the end. :)

[clairebear]

I have been reading comments on this one with interest....
I think that one of the main problems that Churches have with regard to us singletons is they just don't know what to do with us - and this problem is going to get way bigger the more people come to church in their mid 20s and 30s, rather than being brought up in the church from birth.
Most churches will have mother and toddler groups, kids groups, youth groups, ladies meetings - but don't have a group for singles. Even if it was in conjunction with other local churches, it could be done!
Serena - my advice to you is that if the church is not including you, and you feel unable to grow in your faith because of this - start looking for another church. God wants you to grow and fellowship, and I have no doubt that he will lead you to the best place to be :)

[Jay]

I must admit I never thought the church had to do anything with me as a 'singleton'. I go to church, I am part of the church community. I attend church activities. I don't define myself by my 'singleness' either at church or in the wider world. Jay

[londongirl]

The congregation demographics of the church I go to are pretty unique as it's only an evening service and we are all adults aged between about high school leaving age to mid thirties - so you can imagine we have a fair number of singles. With this in mind, the leadership tackles the issues of relationships, guys and girls, dating etc annually. Currently there are some good talks that can be downloaded from the website www.dundonald.org and look for the last few talks at St. Andrews. I'm not saying they will answer all questions, but there is some wisdom in the talks.

Personally I think that the grass always appears greener (singletons don't want to be alone and sometimes the happily hitched envy the singletons apparent freedom). Perhaps this is where small groups like homegroups can help to support individual needs - not lumping people together with a common theme, but sharing lives, hopes and dreams with a few people who support you in prayer and share likewise can help to ensure people feel included and cared for - thoughts?

[ycartneleh]

This is a really good question and a really hard one to answer. There is such pressure on people to be married (by the world, family, church and ourselves) and we are often seen as a sub-class by others and ourselves as well. I have spoken to the leaders in my church because I have struggled with this issue for the whole of my Christian life and they are empathetic and pray for us all to meet someone if that is what we want or to be fulfilled in singleness. There is not much teaching on singleness and since the teaching on marriage seems to be given by married people then maybe we need to be the answer to our own prayer and ask to teach on the issue of singleness and the needs that are there. I have friends who are single (never been married, divorced and widowed) and there are issues in every group. I will say that marriage is not the answer to our problems since Christ has told us that we are complete in our own rights. For myself I am keeping all avenues open and serving in any way I can and praying for the right person to come along to compliment my wholeness. I am also learning new skills and enjoying life. Trying to be content in every situation. yes it hurts but you just keep keeping on believing that God has the best for you and his timing and will is perfect.

Hope this helps.

[ken2000s]

"God has the best for you and his timing and will is perfect"
I agreed with you Tracy however the best that God is going to give may not what we want and we sometime reject that choice. I was looking in some Christian dating website the main criteria is all about physical appearance, race, nationality, age, and etc. They put only what they want and not they need. Where do we put God in the process?
Regards,
Ken

[Francesca]

I have been married and am now single, after divorce, so I know what both states are like. I don't really like being on my own but the Lord has said that I am complete in Him. This is difficult to grasp at first, having been used to a certain security in my marriage, I realise how much I relied on my husband for emotional security. Now I'm relying on the Lord for everything, which is what He wants. This is a time of personal development and I'm trying a lot of new things. God has given me friends to be with thankfully. I would like to get married again and believe I will one day. What I like about being single is that I have the opportunity to just spend time with the Lord and my relationship with Him has got closer. Married people don't realise how lonely single people can feel, however well adjusted they are. I think that there is a certain smugness about Christian married couples, and feel the best people to teach about life as a Christian single are singles. After my experience I feel that if people are happily married they are very blessed, it's the Grace of God, and not their own doing. I wouldn't now take anyone for granted but count myself blessed if I could find my soulmate.:)

[SeasideSusie]

Hi Serena

Can someone from church or one of their older children babysit for you?